nEo Unplugged

11.17.2004 at 12:20 a.m.

nEo Unplugged...11-17-04

I am having a really hard time.
I'm in several battles, internal and external.
whether it is my search for Truth, My search for God, my search for answers, my search for peace of mind, my search for love, my search for home, my search for stability..my search for.........me.........
I am always searching....Then again arent we all?
Why is everything so painful?
The common person lives in a different reality,,,,I live in a duality...does that make sense?
Main Entry: du�al�ism
Pronunciation: 'd�-&-"li-z&m also 'dy�-
Function: noun
Date: 1794
1 : a theory that considers reality to consist of two irreducible elements or modes
2 : the quality or state of being dual or of having a dual nature
3 a : a doctrine that the universe is under the dominion of two opposing principles one of which is good and the other evil b : a view of human beings as constituted of two irreducible elements (as matter and spirit)

Yes...That is my life as it has been..I can play the part real fucking well..better than most...but..when the dust clears and my mask is pulled, I am a wounded soul in pain crying out...revealed only to myself......
Playing the part...sometimes I get physically ill...this is hard to put to words...
Yes, I have the SUV, the house, kids, dogs,the perfect lifeand I am grateful for that.
My problem stems from an overactive never shutting the fuck up unless I self medicate mind...
I have to sleep at nite with something making noise or I cannot sleep due to my mind making too much of a racket.
I cannot save the world..I am lucky if i can save myself.

I am battling an addiction, or rather the end of an addiction.
5 years ago, it was Narcotic painkillers (to numb my emotional pain)
Now after 10 years of consumption, I am at the end of taking Klonopin.
I am almost off completely...and I realize now why it was the right decision in the first place to be prescribed. I am a ball of anxiety and stress. cold sweats, shakes, racing thoughts, all of the "what ifs" and over analyzing of every molecule...make it stop???

I have moved far away from home once again...
Why am I always "running"?
I have started excorcising my own personal demons as of late yet I still run..why..?
Its not fair to those i get close to only to leave again. people have little faith in me and I can understand it.
I have guilt, lots of guilt...yes of course the obvious things that have been spelled out in this diary by lisa...also...My "spiritual anxiety" as I like to call it. My never ending search for God and for all things pure and righteous...Who am I to even be asking when I dont know the right questions???
Yes, you probably think I am high on something as I type this...I wish I was.No....these are rambling , racing thoughts that normally would be in my head yet I have mustered enough strength to type...lucky you.
I need to find my home.
I need to have stable footing on stable ground.
I need to exist for the larger reasons.....
My motivation is at an all time low....
I used to be a creator of sound, of art, of pictures, music, joy, laughter, love..
Now I destroy and consume myself.
How will I ever return to me??

I am scared...
I am alone....
I am dual....

Andrew

Heard in my house: Neo

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