Making ends meet.... no, not really...

12.05.2004 at 4:32 p.m.

Maybe my perception is simply wrong... but it certainly feels that's the way things are.

Since we have absolutely no income until my husband begins his job in January... his Aunt saved the day for us yet again this month... she paid our rent for us, AND our mortgage on the house in NY, AND our high car payment. I am counting on the rent from the tenants in the house in NY to cover the other bills... and buy our groceries for the rest of the entire month, plus some of January's groceries, plus cover the growing negative balance in our checking account.

However I have come to realize we chose very poorly when we chose our tenants. They are late on getting us the rent (due the 1st) yet again. They say they will send it this week... I hope they do... I sent a very direct letter saying how old and tiring this is getting... I hope it gets the reaction I want - I guess we will see. Then I still have to wait for it (the rent) to clear our bank... and that is money for my children's Christmas.

I am just so tired of this. When my husband and I were first married... and we moved out on our own, we counted pennies from a jar for gas... and ate macaroni and cheese for weeks... but we still did it on our own. And now here we are... full circle - eating chicken and rice every day... pulling pennies from our trusty change jar for milk for the kids... and though there IS a very bright light at the end of the tunnel... it just seems so very hard to get to.

And I have to hold all my worry inside myself... it does no good at all to mention it to anyone... even though I am not looking for sympathy... just someone to talk to about it all... without feeling as if I will get some comment shot back at me about how their life is worse... or well maybe it's my turn for penny pinching... almost like I am getting what I deserve in their eyes, as I have been more "privileged" than they have... my mother I include in this group. She knows nothing of my current situation.

Just, to me... shouldn't we WANT others to do well? Shouldn't we be happy for their accomplishments rather than revel in their failures? I'm not saying everyone is like this... but take my mother for example... I have seen this in her time and time again... when something goes wrong in my life... I will only get more misery by telling her... with a response like "well, now you know what *I* live with..." As if I have never had to deal with bad fortune before myself???

Maybe this entry is going no where... basically I just needed to get "out" how worried I am about everything right now. I just really hope we get the rent check from our tenants... and that I can make it stretch for the groceries... AND the bills... and give my children SOME sort of Christmas. This worry is just sitting in the bottom of my stomach.

Heard in my house: Lisa

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