A waiting game

04.19.2005 at 10:08 p.m.

The problem is, I don't even want to talk about it at the moment. See, at 3 am my husband will get up, get online and obviously read this diary when he sees I updated it. Currently he is in bed, nice and early, because he has to get up at 3 am. A car is picking him up at 5 am, and taking him to the airport, and tomorrow he will be in South Florida all day, interviewing for this job. The job that just seems so absolutely good. So good, I worry it is "too good to be true."

Just the other day, when my husband was completely stressed, and he was saying things like "the job is too good to be true" and doubting himself... I was the one to correct him. I was the one to tell him to believe in himself, that our luck will change... that this will work out.

And I want him to get this job so very badly at this point. Not only is the area gorgeous... all the houses I have (virtually) looked at are spectacular, and it just feels so right now. With each passing moment my confidence on the decision has grown... yet I have grown more afraid that it simply won't "work out."

Today our tenants told us they did not get the place they applied for - their credit was too poor. So they have sent us the rent for the month, (April) and are now going to be out by the end of May... I hope. If they can't find a place then, we will have to evict them, and that will take time, and get nasty - and we are barely skimming past our own eviction. Our landlord backed off a bit, he is getting as much money as we can give him Thursday, and hopefully he will work with us for the rest... but if we are not moving to Florida... we are just shit out of luck.

I want this. SO badly. It seems like an opportunity to provide everything for my family that I want them to have. But I know ultimately it is completely out of my control. And that just has me so stressed. I can feel my heart beating in my chest at the moment.. and a tightness... that I have only felt a very few times in my life. Just because it hurts... it hurts that I want this so badly and I am not sure if we will get it. I know how much my husband wants it... though he tries to disguise it, the excitement is so obvious in his voice when he has been telling me about all the restaurants he wants to take us to, and how he can show me "this" place where he did "this" as a kid, or "that" place where he did "that"... and I want that. I want to share in that with him.

I just hate this waiting game. And I want to give him all the strength he needs for tomorrow. And I want everything to work out perfectly, and I want him to get an offer tomorrow so we can finally KNOW something, and not just get sent home with a "we will be in touch" - because we just need this so badly right now. (I know, I have a lot of "wants.")

I feel like it has been so long since something good came along for us. I feel like we have been trapped in a vicious cycle for so long now... it's just not right.

Heard in my house: The dog pacing to go outside... again.

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