Those he left behind

05.03.2005 at 9:12 a.m.

Make sure you have read this, before continuing.

Everything just seems so surreal. I have been sitting here debating, do I even write anything yet? I have this urge to just wait, not say anything for a few days, and let my emotions soak in a bit more. But I also know writing has helped me in the past to work through things... but I just don't know how to work through something like this.

I can honestly say, I have never before been affected so strongly by losing someone before. And I have analyzed myself over this so much the past two days - and I think I know why. When I lost my father, I knew he was dying. I knew for over a year in advance that the virus was destroying his body... and the last two months or so I knew he could "go" at any time. And when I lost my grandmother, I had myself prepared for it too. She had been in the hospital off and on, I went to Texas because she was in the hospital again, and I knew this might be "it."

But not Jack.

Just not Jack.

I want to plead it with anyone who may listen, who can undo what I know can't be undone. Just please not Jack.

He was looking forward to so much.

I never thought that when he left here last fall with his sweet wife, and precious baby girl (they visited as they passed through to see her family) that it would be the last time I saw him alive. I always talked to him online. Never much on the phone at all. And I just keep expecting to see him sign on... in the early afternoon. Because that was when he was on... always. He worked at night, his wife worked during the day, while he watched the baby. I have no idea when he fit sleep in, but he did it somehow.

And his poor wife. No matter how upset those of us are who lost such a great friend in Jack, nothing can compare to the anguish she is feeling. She told me "I just keep expecting to see him walk through that door..." There is nothing to say to give her relief, she simply wants him back. Each time her sweet baby girl calls for her daddy, it breaks her heart even more. That is a grief I can not even imagine.

My heart is breaking for them, and nothing will "make it better." I would not even know how to recover from something like that. I honestly feel selfish talking about how I am hurting and upset knowing how it simply can not compare to how she is feeling.

Thankfully, her mother will be ok. It's a miracle though. She has had surgery on her hip, has facial fractures and over 10 broken ribs... but she will be ok. And the kid that hit them... (I say kid, he is 21) is just fine. He had a few bumps and bruises. His vehicle was much bigger than Jack's little blue escort he was so proud of when he got it. The guy has admitted full fault in the accident. It was simply, an accident (as far as I know) - so really, there is no blame, no penalties... just an accident.

I don't know what else to say. I am just trying to get it all out. Not that I have been holding it in, but every time I have even thought about it I have found tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. He was such a good guy. A true, sincere good guy.

I just don't understand.

Heard in my house:

Something Extra:

Feeling:

Craving: