Stupid Crap (and some good stuff too.)
09.29.2005 at 10:22 a.m.
I am having one of "those" moments.. so... just deal with me for a bit here. I am pissed off. Royally... angry as hell... complete with the desire to just scream at the top of my lungs. The problem? I have no one I can scream at. In fact, a good part of my current anger, is because I simply can't just make this entry public, like any normal person... it is really annoying.
Currently... I don't know if I am going to make this entry private or not. I need to vent damn it. Just bitch and moan. But I have become fully aware all my suspicions are true... and there are a few truly pathetic "people" (dregs of society) out there that read my every entry with baited breath, hoping for me to have a bad day.
Congratul-fucking-ations... I am having one.
My husband just ticked me off this morning.
Ok, let me back up a little. I have noticed, the past week, maybe week and a half I have been a bit edgy. And at first I thought it was the "that time of the month" crankiness... but then, I was so late, I realized it could not be that... last week, my babies normal "testing me" behavior was driving me up the wall. Ready to pull my hair out and scream type of up the wall nuts. Now... I pride myself on how even tempered I am with them, always. So... I knew my fuse was short anyway... (And it is bothering me so much... is it the consistent exercise I have finally been doing? Or is it my diet changes? That is all that has changed really...)
And now I just totally lost my train of thought. My baby girl had to use her potty. (We have really crossed that hump! She is really doing it! Consistently! No accidents since Tuesday morning, with one exception... I have to get her used to her underwear so they don't feel too much like a diaper for her.... anyway...)
Ok, instead of making the entire entry private, I made a portion of it private... because I just seem to enjoy making life more difficult, and my diary more confusing! So, that portion can be found here. (If I did it as one full entry, it would belong in this spot.)
Anyway... somehow in my mind that all tied into this morning. As he was leaving, he reminded me to call a relative of his, that he wants us to get together with this weekend. He has been trying to get me to call her all week. She was at Jillian's birthday party, with her little girl, who is just a month younger than my munchkin.
And, it is not that I don't want to call her. It is not that I don't want to go see them. It would be ok I suppose. To get my baby girl out and socialize her more than she is. Let her get close to her little girl, and that sort of thing. It is just that... I don't see all of us having that much in common. The poor woman looked like her head was going to explode (complete with eyes bulging out of her skull, crinkled nose, and curled upper lip, and faux puke motions) simply that her kids dove into the chicken nugget happy meal. I am all for eating healthy.. rah rah rah - but come on.. you can only be so uptight about things. And.. that is really just a side story to the thing. We had all this uncomfortable silence between us when they were there. Lots of it. More uncomfortable silence than conversation.
So, somehow this morning, that morphed into my husband using things I have said (he is so good at that, and it just pisses me off, and hurts me) as arsenal to try to get me to do something he knows I really don't care to do. "What is it your 'social anxiety'?" And then he tries to really "stump" me with: "You can go into a house with a bunch of strangers and your witch friends, but you can't do this?"
I just wanted to cry. Yesterday he was spewing crap about being so "proud" of me for getting out of the house. Now it is just arsenal for his 'I am going to shame and guilt you into doing what *I* want' cannon. What happened to respect? He knows what a hard time I had making myself get my ass out of the house. I would have been much more comfortable and content staying home and watching my Tivo'ed 'Bones' and "Supernatural.' But I went. And he was "proud" of me. Now I wonder if I should take his pride as an insult, or a true compliment.
The thing is... it has nothing to do with any of that. I just don't even know how good a "fit" we all would even be together, and if my baby girl's birthday party was any indication... it would just be a really uncomfortable situation.. that I would rather avoid.
Of course he also tried to throw in a "I refuse to spend another weekend sitting around the house..." - Uh... we don't spend many at all these days "sitting around the house" actually. Friday he will get his daughter, rush home, we will go to dinner.. Sunday we know we are going to his mom's and dropping off his daughter. Saturday we will find something to do... and not to mention... I have shit to do. We only have one car right now... I have to stock us up on groceries and crap sometime. The fridge will not fill all by itself.
I just despise his sporadic ups and downs these days. Thankfully he does have an appointment with his doctor Friday. I know how much he hates it, but he very well might be given some sort of anti-depressant. I really have realized I think he needs it. He is way too down way too often right now for someone who has so MUCH going right for him. It worries me.
Well... I think this entry has been all over the place enough for now. And I feel better after just putting some of this out here. That is why I have this diary after all... to work through life's shit. The good AND the bad.
I am anxious to get my blood tests back... I know it will probably show nothing... and though that is a good thing... it will be frustrating too. Why the hell is my hair coming out in gobs? Why is my "cycle" all screwy. (We were just about to hit panic and get a pregnancy test this month... 6 days late.. that NEVER happens to me.) And you know... all those other issues I listed off before.
I am looking forward to tonight. Our first real cold front is moving through today. It is supposed to plummet later on and go into the mid-forties. Looks like I need to finally pull the jackets and such out of their respective boxes in the coat closet and hang them up!
Heard in my house: Jekyl and Hyde. One moment they are playing, the next screaming. Anybody have a straight jacket? For me??
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