Feathers from an Angels Wings

01.04.2006 at 12:52 a.m.

A phone call breaks through my slumber.... my heart aches, my mind fears answering it, my soul already knows... all in the instance before I hit the button to answer it. My husband is on the other end of the phone... and the news is the only news he would be calling so early for. Things had gotten much, much worse overnight.

He said her fever was 104.6. I could hear her constant moans in the background behind him. I wanted a car to rush to his side... I wanted to call a taxi to get there... but he insisted I stay home with the babies. I knew how tired he was.. he had been up with her all night at the hospital, he had only had two hours of sleep the previous day, and had been up with her all the night before.

I got up... tried to think positive thoughts, and did all my morning duties... getting everything ready for my babies to wake up. Right at 9am I had the overwhelming urge to call him... but I didn't. I was worried I would disturb her if he had gotten her to sleep. About 15 minutes later, he called me. He asked me how things were going first... because he always worries about everyone but himself initially... and then he told me "she's gone."

I did not want to believe it. But I knew it was true. I knew this moment had been coming. But I thought we had more time. The things I would do right now to give us more time... but life just doesn't work that way. She found out a month and a day ago (2 days now, it is after midnight) and we were told she had about a year. There is a vast difference between a year and a month. I wanted so many more conversations, so many more smiles, so many more hugs... and I feel like that has been stolen from all of us.

But the cancer had just consumed her. She was in such pain at the end. In such a short amount of time. Now there is so much to worry about... but I just feel like looking forward is still somehow wrong. I don't want to think about cleaning out her house. I don't want to fathom driving her car and calling it ours. It was not supposed to be this way... not now, not yet.

I wanted to tell her... how she was like our guardian angel. She was always there for us when we were down. She always picked us up and put us on the right path. She was there for me to talk to through some of my hardest times, and nothing held me together back then more than the strength she gave me.

I just can't believe this has happened, not so fast like this. I still want to pile the kids into the car on Sunday and drive over to her house for baked ziti. It will never be the same. Her grandchildren were everything to her.

I need to go... I could go on and on about this... but I made my husband take some tylenol pm so he can get some sleep, and I want to be by his side.