Confused Duality

04.09.2006 at 11:15 p.m.

I am feeling a bit lost, and a bit alone... and guilty. Like I have no right to feel the way I do. Maybe I am wrong? Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I am the problem... maybe there is no one to blame but myself. I just do not know.

I am feeling like everything my husband says to me these days is overly critical, and aimed at starting something, or putting me down. And he seems to be "attacking" more and more in front of my mother and brother. And it is embarrassing. But then I wonder if I am just being overly sensitive.

I feel fat and gross... and constantly reminded of it by everyone around me. Never mind the fact that I have joined a gym, I have made sure to go at least 2 times a week since I began - 2 times is not 4... but it is 2 times more a week than I was doing anything of the sort a month ago. I have joined Yoga at the gym, and I am doing a cardiovascular workout each time I go as well. I have begun to start to really watch what I eat - though my husband feels the need to constantly nag me about drinking soda.

I just want to feel happy. And I feel held back from that in so many ways... I feel like I do not keep up the house well enough - but then I get nagged about something... or nagged may not be the right word... it is the way my husband has been presenting questions to me recently... it feels almost sarcastic on his part "oh, you are doing the laundry on Monday then?" Because I did not do it on Friday - it was a question that answered itself, the ONLY reason for him to even mention it was to show his "disapproval" that the laundry was not done on Friday. Does that make sense? (Then I wonder if I am just being overly sensitive...?) He has begun to ask me questions like that about various things constantly... and it is driving me crazy. Tonight he had asked me to make some business cards for him, I said I would - as the night goes on, I was planning to do it once he got off the computer, but instead he says to me "so you are just going to make the cards tomorrow during the day?" Insinuating I had no intention of doing them tonight... ASSUMING I was going to let him down "again" or something.

I have so many things to look forward to right now... I have a trip to take to see Niki when she has her baby later this month... I just did a one day intensive Shamanism workshop - and I plan on beginning a 2 year INTENSE study on it in July. My year at Diana's Grove is going wonderfully and I need to plan going back later on this year... my husband and I want to take a vacation together... I have my children, my adorable sweet children to take care of every day. Now that it is warming up outside, I am so very much so looking forward to getting our backyard redone so it is safe to take them outside to play in. I truly can not wait for that.

I just feel like things are not "right." I wanted to talk to my husband all about the workshop I did on Saturday so many times last night and today - but I just felt like there was no open communication between us. Every chance I thought I saw I had, would get squashed. Either the kids would misbehave, or he would say something I would interpret as negative towards me or SOMETHING... I just don't know...

I know he is dealing with a LOT right now. He is working on a few HUGE business deals that, if they all go as planned will be very wonderful for us, and give us some financial freedom. So, I would be a bit overwhelmed if I was doing all of that on my own too... I just feel so off balance though. Do I just back off? Is he missing me the way I am missing him? How do I fix this? Does any of this make any sense?

Tomorrow morning he is taking me to his chiropractor. The guy insists he can help my hip. I an honestly looking forward to it - and I hope he can help me. My husband though I think is looking at it as a way for me to get off pain medication. Which irritates me a bit. I wish he could understand how I feel. Maybe my view is wrong though. I take ONE pain pill a night. One in 24 hours. After being up and down with the kids all day, it just helps my pain just enough at night... I feel like in a way, he wants to take that away from me too... I say too - but I am not sure why. I just feel like I will be pressured. I just want to not hurt. I just want to be happy. I just want to be comfortable. I just want to feel like he is happy with me. Happy for me. Happy being with me.

I hope this entry does not make him mad... or stress him out. I am just trying to finally get out some of the things I have not had the time to process recently. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

Heard in my house: A dishwasher that is way too loud. It is falling apart... I need to add one of those to my "to get" list too.

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