Comments:

TickTrix - 2006-05-30 22:34:45
I think the letter is honest and exactly what you needed to type out to release your anger. Having said that, sleep on it. See how you feel tomorrow. Talk to your friends who know how the two of you interact. I say that because while the letter seems harshly honest, it may be the way you two communicate and it may be what needs to happen. If you can't bring yourself to give her the letter or a revised version, a situation will present itself where you can tell her how you feel - life works out that way. Or better yet, just buy a house without a basement and tell her "good luck". I'm kidding of course, but it made me laugh and I hope you did too. :)
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Amber - 2006-05-30 23:01:06
You were a lot nicer than I probably would be, but I have a relationship with my mother that REQUIRES that I am harsh with her at times. Sometimes a little tough love is in order.
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Elizabeth - 2006-05-30 23:04:35
Personally, I'd take out the part where you expect her bad behaviour. (I.e.: "Now I am going to TRY to choose my words here very carefully, because you take offense to everything very easily, and I know how you are - and no matter what gets said I am sure this will cause some sort of issue...") and the part where you criticize her own mother. You gotta choose your battles and fighting for peace within your own family seems to be paramount here. Good luck!
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Elizabeth - 2006-05-30 23:05:09
Gah! Typo: "her own motherING".
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Melody - 2006-05-31 00:01:46
If you want to soften it up, my only suggestion would be to put something positive in there to balance some of the negative. However, it may be that your mother is a little thick-skulled, and so the only way that the message will stick is if it's more powerfully negative like that. I don't really know your mother, so use your best judgment for how forceful you think you need to be to get her to understand. Here's an example of balancing it out that I think you wrote: you emphasize that you appreciate the help, and even though it's not necessary, it makes it easier than it would be alone- BUT the help is not worth it if you have to deal with being badmouthed and having your marriage undermined. Look, when you offered to help your mother, I think you were doing the right thing - you did it because you loved her and you wanted to help her - I can't see how that is the wrong thing. What is happening right now, though, is NOT your fault, because that's not what you offered to her. However, you may have to deal with it sooner or later by telling them that you have been nice long enough and it's time for them to MOVE ON WITH THEIR LIVES. Maybe in your letter, if you want to soften it up, you can emphasize how they should be moving on to better things, instead of just pointing out that they are not doing so. While it blows off a lot of steam to say what a person isn't doing, and it may even be rightly deserved, I think it's more helpful to continue to point people in the direction that they need to be going. And apparently with your mother, you can't stop pointing, because she keeps wanting to ignore the sign that tells her she can in favor of moaning that she can't. The only way to get over that is to be persistant and have a stronger will to say - YES, YOU CAN, and YOU HAVE TO DO IT. You can't even give the slightest inch there, because it seems like she's pushing in the other direction. I am actually quite surprised, though, that you would be searching for a house specifically with a basement for them. I think it would have been a good opportunity for the "you're out of luck" speech. It seems a little less arbitrary to kick them out at that particular point in time... but maybe it is helpful to have an extra hand you can call on, and it wouldn't be as terrible of a situation having them there, if she weren't acting so poorly... in which case you're trying to correct the bad behavior (the badmouthing and not contributing financially) instead of trying to get rid of her. Or maybe you want to send her a nasty letter, so that she will get angry and want to leave on her own - but you hesitate because you don't want to ruin your relationship with her? This is just a wild guess here, and I'm sorry if I'm ever wrong... It happens when I'm making guesses. Well, if you ever think of sending a "you're out of luck, it's time to move on" letter, and you still want to salvage the relationship, then I would suggest making that a very lightly and delicately worded letter. You can never say, "get out of my house" with enough sugar coating (and try to stay truthful because you don't want to look like a fake), but it's going to sound bad no matter what... I think just saying it as nicely as possible is the best way to get through it if you ever have to in the future. Another idea for future reference - when you send this letter, consider the letter you'll have to write when you tell her it's time to go. It's likely that this letter will impact the reception of the second letter. For example, if you try to be nice and tell her that it hasn't been a completely negative experience, you don't want to say in your first letter, "this has been a completely negative experience." That's probably a bad example, and I'm sorry that I can't be more specific... maybe it's just something to keep in mind in a very general way when wording your letter. As somebody else said, sleeping on it is a good idea. Edit it and revise it as much as you need to, because that's one of the good things about writing a letter... You can make it into a work of art if you want to. :-P
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Melody - 2006-05-31 00:05:14
Errr... I want to apologize for my last comment. I didn't realize that diaryland would take multiple paragraphs and combine them into one. I realize that makes it less readable. I hope it's still understandable though... Diaryland is evil sometimes. ;-)
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fightn4life - 2006-05-31 06:46:13
I have to agree with Melody, she makes some wonderful suggestions and observations. I would have to find some way to ask your mom and her friend to make plans to move on with their life. I know you love your mom and do not want to hurt her�Lord knows you have tried to help her get a jump start on a new life by bringing her to your part of the world. I pray you get the new house but wish so much it wasn't with the intension to renovate the basement for her to remain with all of you. If things were working out for all of you or a way you both could communicate and find a middle ground her living with you wouldn't be so bad. There was a time when family members could return and live under the same roof, but to toss in a second person that you are taking care of with no help has just added fuel to the fire. Maybe he should be the one you ask to live, let him go to one of his family members and your mom might follow him. Writing the letter is a good idea but you might want to reread Melody's helpful suggestion to lighten it up some by adding some positive things without putting the negative right behind it. Balance the letter to say what you feel how hurt you are by what is happening to you and your family. Words cut to the heart and I don't think you want to cut her to pieces in anger. So much as boiled up within you and for good cause, you can think about this�what if she does drive a blade between you and you husband and he leaves. Then she will have to move on as you will no longer be able to take care of your children and her and her friend. I hope this helps, you in my opinion have been more of an angel by allowing so much to go on for such a long time. My prayers are with and your family. Sandyz
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Me - 2006-05-31 09:50:48
Hi everyone - incase any of you check back to see other comments left - Melody.. thank you so much, and don't worry, the paragraph breaks were in it when it was emailed to me. :) And Sandyz, you are too sweet - the issue is, Matt is my brother. I am the only family they have that would take them in. I feel trapped. I slept on it - and I still feel confused. Part of me wants to just bring them both up here and talk it out - but I don't think I would actually get anywhere with it. Ugghhh...
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LJ - 2006-05-31 14:28:44
I'm excited by the news of a possible house for you. But am saddened at the "Mom" news. My gut instinct is to cut the embilical (sp?) cord, and let her loose. She's holding on tight, you're not. And also - I would hope your husband knows and loves you enough to beleive you over your mother. she's got problems. Can you not help the out financially from afar? Can your brother work? Can you mother work? (And I don't mean IF they want to) Please know that I (and it seems many who read here) think loads of you and want the best. Familial issues are not easy.
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LJ - 2006-05-31 14:30:56
P.S. The pictures of your kids are adorable. They are growing so quickly.
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Ing - 2006-05-31 16:33:21
((hugs)) I hope you get the new house. You sound so happy about it. I am sorry about your mom issues. I cannot give advice because I obviously need advice on the mom subject. It is hard when you help them out so much and they take it for granted. This is a difficult time in our lives, we are busy parenting not only our children but our parents as well. ((hugs))
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Nikia - 2006-06-02 10:18:42
We talked about this on the phone. :) And you know how I feel about it. Just make sure that Andrew supports you when you do what you have to do - don't let anyone back you in a corner. :) I love you!
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