Just for you
03.15.2005 at 11:24 p.m.
I write this to you in my dairy, in all honesty with the hopes you will actually never read it. However... the day has come when it seems very possible, you just might find your way here.
The site my husband, and his good friend started just recently, is something he (my husband) is very proud of, and I know it will be shown to you. And I don't know how good you are at finding your way around the web, but it does link to his diary, which links to mine.
I have avoided you seeing anything that could lead you here in the past, as this is my space. Yes, I have complained and ranted about you at times. That is what I do here. Whether it is about you, my husband, or life in general, this is my space to bitch, whine, moan and complain all I want too... and I have done it in the past not at all considering how you may feel if you someday read it. It was never intended for you to read.
Not to mention, there are many things in here you do not know about me. And, I know if you read this, you will read them... and I know how you are - and you will probably be offended about these things you never knew... and were never told about. In some ways I am sorry... and in others, I am not. I just don't want you to hold it over my head in any way.
I just reread this letter... and realized how defensive it comes across. I did not plan it that way, it just sort of happened. What I am trying to say is very simply this: if you do find this diary, and do read through it... I do not want it to change the current dynamic we have between us. The times we did not speak, I hated. I want you around. I want you to be a part of my life, of my children's lives. And I know seeing what I have kept from you, and some of the times I have unloaded about you, may hurt your pride. Honestly, I just hope you will not even mention it to me at all. (Though if you find the diary, I would love to know... otherwise I wrote all this for no reason at all... which is sort of amusing in and of itself.)
So, I suppose I leave it at that. Maybe I will add more to this tomorrow, maybe not... but either way it is going to get a special place in my little menu bar over to the side... just incase you stumble upon this diary one day.
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