02.25.2007 at 1:41 p.m.
I have so many wonderful things happening in my life right now. But I have gotten so busy, I have not had time to sit and write about it all.
When I first started writing online, it was solely a way to vent. A way to rid myself of all the negativity that built up inside of me on a daily basis. My life is completely different now. I have all of the wonderful things I had back then - and all of the terrible, bad things are gone. Just gone.
But allow me to digress.......... only for a moment. There has been this ongoing intimacy issue between my husband and myself. We are the closest now that we have ever been. I can honestly say, with no doubt in my mind, that he loves me the way I have always wanted and craved. Now I just have to break through a few barriers I put up. For the most part, I have. We are not intimate as much as the average couple... I know this. But I also know that is something that is going to be corrected... pretty rapidly at this point. I am taking steps to get my health back to where it needs to be... and as I lose weight my body image will improve, I will become more confident, and it will just naturally follow. The thing that bothers my husband, and it bothers me too... is that we don't kiss. I know exactly why. It is my one remaining barrier. My one "hungry ghost" as my (Medicine Wheel) teacher calls it. See, there was a moment, where, I knew - blatantly and without a doubt what my husband had been doing... and it happened, with a kiss. And he left the house, and I sat at my kitchen table, in my brand new home, 6 months pregnant with my now 4 year old daughter... and I cried. I cried myself to exhaustion. And I felt alone, and betrayed, and totally vulnerable. And I went to bed, and I cried even more. Until I woke up... had to once again wear my persona that everything was okay (because I did not yet have enough 'proof' to confidently confront him.) I showered and went to work... smiling at my husband as I closed the door behind me.
That feeling of betrayal is long gone. Once again replaced by a warm, fuzzy feeling when my husband smiles at me. I the past nearly 5 years we have lived what seems like an entire lifetime together. I now have more confidence in his love for me that I did - probably on the day we said "I do."
I have just that one lingering ghost that haunts me. Not all the time - not nearly as often as it used too... but about half of the time, when I kiss my husband, I get that feeling in my stomach. A horrible reminder of that one moment in my life where nothing was as it was 'supposed' to be.
Anyway... I just thought it might help to talk for a moment about it. It is like some sort of "post traumatic stress" thing I guess. I want to relax and be totally comfortable again. And I am. I completely am. I just feel like sometimes that feeling catches me off guard, and it throws me for a loop. Sometimes I wish I could go back and just erase that one little memory. Because now I am the one causing my husband pain... when he wants to kiss me, and I pull away. I feel ridiculous, it is something I should simply be OVER by now. Just sometimes it still sits there, under my table, waiting for table scraps. It is my one remaining hungry ghost - and I am done feeding it. (I know that metaphor probably means nothing to most of you reading this, but it means a lot to me, with a lot of the things I am learning these days... it is a phrase my teacher repeats 'don't feed your hungry ghosts'.) Well.. I am ready to starve my last one.
Here... is a wonderful story - my husband will love my putting up. It is one he has referenced many times in the past actually:
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. - One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Anyway... moving on. I finally feel ready and very excited to talk about something I have only shared with my nearest and dearest... On Friday, I was finally able to put down my deposit on, and buy my plane ticket for a trip to PERU I am taking in JUNE!! I am so excited I can barely contain myself! It is a long, amazing, 2 week trip! All the information for it is here!!!
AND I have started my own business! (Well, not really, but sort of!) I sell yummy food now! It is all available online too, (hint hint) just click here to be taken to my web page all about it!
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